


cherry on cupcake

by writethedust



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Slow Build, it's dotae, or taedo what ever you call them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-05-07 11:57:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14670612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writethedust/pseuds/writethedust
Summary: Doyoung tried to move on, pretending as far as he could. He avoided everything that related to that person. However, he failed.He failed, the moment he saw that person again.





	1. 001

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, in case no one notices this but I actually deleted everything and had to rewrite everything back. I fucked up and my writing was so bad. It wasn't going like I want it to be so I had to write everything. I'm sorry. 
> 
> The plot is still the same but I change a little. (it's still angst) I'm really sorry if you have to read it all over again and I don't mind if you want to abandon this - for those who had reads until the latest chapter. I'm sorry again. I really don't deserve all those kudos. 
> 
> for new readers, welcome :)

It was rather chilling night in autumn, Doyoung was wearing his dark purple turtleneck knit with a long dark coat, stood in front of a bar where his high school reunion was. The clock with strike eight in two more minutes but Doyoung hadn’t managed to walk inside. He was nervous. His high school had always done a reunion party but he had never managed to attend any of it. Why? The answer was simple, he avoided it. There was someone he didn’t want to meet. 

“If you choose not to go, wouldn’t that mean you still haven’t moved on, Doyoung?” Yuta had said. 

Doyoung bit his lip. He always showed that he had moved on but he also knew deep down, he never did. But because it hurt his pride when he really tried his best to move on, he made the decision to come. He wanted to show Yuta that he did move on. _I did... right?_

“Doyoung-ah?”

Doyoung turned around and gave a smile. “Good evening, Taeil sunbae.” 

“Oh, I didn’t think you would come,” Taeil said, was a little shock. 

Doyoung chuckled softly, “Yeah, I didn’t think I would come either.”

“Did Yuta force you?” Taeil asked, joked. 

Doyoung shook his head, “No.” He laughed.

Taeil nodded his head, shrugged. “Let’s go inside, it’s freezing here.”

...

“Doyoung-ah, I have been waiting for you!” Yuta shouted the moment he saw Doyoung entered the bar which made everyone focused their attention on the two newcomers of the party. 

Doyoung smiled awkwardly and silently cursed at his childhood best friend, Yuta underneath his breath. He parted way with Taeil and greeted anyone that he knew as he made his way to the hyper - drunk - Nakamoto Yuta who eager patting the seat right next to him.

When Doyoung finally seated, Yuta quickly put a glass of beer in front of him and said, “I thought you chicken out.” He just snorted as he received a glare from the bunny beside him. “Took you so long to come here,” he said. 

“I’m not late,” Doyoung hissed. “The party just start,” he said.

“Well, everyone come early. Look, almost everyone is here.”

“Unlike you, I have other stuffs to deal with.”

“I know your schedule, Doyoung. I know you’re not busy today.” Yuta said.

A pause. Doyoung looked at Yuta who proudly smug. “Shit,” he cursed. He had forgotten that the older knew how his life work.

Yuta was cracking, laughing at the younger expression. “Drink,” he put the beer much closer toward Doyoung. As he watched the younger grumpy drank the beer, he turned his focus to the other side and enjoyed himself.

...

Doyoung wasn’t sure how long time had past but it felt long. He felt tired talking to his classmate who sat right in front of him, so he stopped and continued on drinking or eating. He glanced at his watch and cursed yet again. It seemed like it only been 30 minutes so had past. _I feel tired, how long should I stay here_? He sighed as he ate the kimbap near him. 

“Hey, Taeyong!”

Someone shouted and Doyoung froze. 

...

Doyoung felt his hands were shaking. He lowered his head, tried to calm his racing heart. It felt almost suffocating. _Calm down, calm down_. Ah, he should have known. He should have known better than anyone else and he had never ever moved on. That the pain was still there, fresh as if it was torn yesterday. 

Doyoung took a deep breath. He shouldn’t break down here at that moment. When he was sure he was fine at least, he looked up back. He met eyes with the person in front him and he gave a smile. “How’s your work, dude?” he engaged a conversation. He needed to be distracted for a while. 

_Please don’t let me meet him. Please don’t let me meet him_. Doyoung wasn’t sure how to handle the situation if they somehow meet. He didn’t know if he can talk like normal after what had happened between them. He was hurt more than everyone thought he would. 

Maybe break up was something that any person had gone through at least once and eventually, everything would be okay. Doyoung thought he would be like that but it was different in his case. He was young back then. That person was his first love, his first of everything. 

It’s been 5 years since then.

...

End of the party, Doyoung was waiting for a taxi outside the bar after the reunion. He was supposed to go home with Yuta but the other had disappeared to somewhere he didn’t know. He rolled his eyes as his phone call can’t get through. 

“Doyoung!”

Doyoung froze again. He can recognize the voice. He couldn’t believe himself that he could still recognize that voice, that deep voice. He turned around only to meet eyes with the one he least wanted to meet. With heavy breath, he said the name that he stopped uttered 5 years ago, “Lee Taeyong.”

...


	2. 002

“Hey,”

Doyoung honestly didn’t want to reply but since he was planning to at least try and showed that he was never bothered, he greeted back, “Hey.” _everything was in the past, everything was in the past_ \- he repeated in his head many times. _Why the hell are you here for_? He screamed in his mind at the same time.

“It’s been a long time,”

“Yeah,” Doyoung looked at the ground instead of on Taeyong’s eyes. He can’t lose now. He can’t break down now.

“I want to talk to you before but everyone else crowded around me,” Taeyong chuckled, scratched his neck. “Glad that I can catch up you before you go home,” he said. 

Doyoung forced a laughter. At this point, he didn’t know what to do. He thinks he had lost his mind. “What do you want, Taeyong?” he asked, wanting to end the conversation as much as possible. 

“You don’t look happy to see me, huh?” Taeyong looked at the younger sadly. 

“It’s freezing,” Doyoung replied, turned to look at the street.

“Doyoung,” Taeyong softly called. 

Thump. Doyoung can felt his heart beat heavy. “Hurry up, because I want to go home,” Doyoung said. “And don’t call out my name so casually like that.” Ah, he can’t just shut up. It blew up.

Taeyong’s smile faded, “I’m sorry.”

Doyoung snapped. He turned around and looked at the older who obviously show him a sad face. “For what?” he asked, annoyed. _Why? Why are you sorry for?_

“For what happens between us before, our break up,” Taeyong explained. He then moved one step closer. “Ca-can we be friends again?”

Doyoung scoffed. _What_? “Lee Taeyong, just because what happens to us is in the past, it doesn’t mean that I’m fine. I have never forgiven you,” he said, almost making himself tearful. “We can’t be friends.”

Taeyong didn’t give up although though he knew it was going to be hard. “I know it’s absurd,” he said, admitted it. He had hurt the younger but he wanted to patch things up.

“Glad that you know its absurd,” Doyoung remarked. “What are you trying to do really?” he asked, fed up.

“I-I want to be friends,” Taeyong then shook his head. “No, specifically I want us back together.”

Thump. Thump. Doyoung felt dizzy. _What is he talking about_? He can’t believe what had happened. Does that mean Taeyong wanted to be in a relationship just like they had before?

“I still love you, Doyoung,” Taeyong confessed, sincerity.

 _Oh_. “Wh-what are you talking about?” Doyoung had shaken. He didn’t understand. “I don’t get you.” _why? Why?_

“I know this is out of blue,” Taeyong said. _I want to be friends at first_. “But after all these years, I still love you, Doyoung.”

 _Love_? Doyoung snapped, he felt furious. He glared at the older as he said, “You left me, Taeyong. You throw me away and now you want me back?” he was getting angry till his eyes were getting red, a little watery. “You want me to believe that!” he shouted. “Are you trying to play games with me?”

“No!” Taeyong shook his head. _No, never_. “I’m being honest, Doyoung. I know its hard to believe but please, please consider this. I-”

“-there’s nothing to be considered!” _stop it, stop it. I don’t want to hear any more of this_.

Taeyong let out a soft sigh as he watched the younger. He can tell, the younger was hurting. He didn’t mean to be like this but there was no turning back. “Back then, we were young. I made mistake but this time, this time I wouldn’t make the same mistake.”

Doyoung didn’t want to continue on with the conversation anymore. Everything was too much for him to handle. He felt like puking everything he ate from his stomach. He stepped one step backward. He needed to get away, but how?

“Doyoungie,” from far, Taeil shouted as he approached the two people. “Oh, are you busy?” he asked and pointed at Taeyong. He felt like he disturbing the two people. 

Doyoung quickly shook his head. _Thank you_. “We just finish,” he said, trying his best to escape.

Taeyong was shocked by Doyoung’s word but he immediately understood. Hence he gave respect to the younger’s wish and played along, “Yeah, we're just finished.” he turned and faced the younger, “Doyoung, good night.”

“G-good night,” He then bit his lip.

...

Back in his shared apartment, Doyoung was pretty sure he had drunk a lot back at the party but he felt like he hadn’t touched any. It was like he begged for more alcohol. Yes, he needed it to calm down his restless self.

Doyoung went to his fridge that contained lots of alcohols with different brands and types. He chuckled as he suddenly remembered that Yuta had always nagged for having too much of it. 

As Doyoung took a few, he sat down on the cold marble floor and drank till the morning comes. It hurt and it pained so he wanted to drink till he felt waste.

...

Yuta smiled widely as he hopped back home. He had a good night yesterday as he got to know someone and maybe a potential love. He giggled as he walked inside his house - the one he shared with Doyoung. The first thing Yuta went was the kitchen because he wanted to relieve his dry throat. “Doyoung!” he shouted, shocked as he caught his housemate laid on the floor with empty bottles around.

“I haven’t died yet,” Doyoung groaned as he woke up since Yuta was shaking him so hard. The first thing he felt was coldness hit his body and then realized he had fallen asleep on the floor the whole night. _Oh, my neck hurt_.

Yuta sighed in relieved, “You scare the shit out of me.” He then sat beside the younger and asked, “Did you drank all of these because of yesterday?”

Doyoung scoffed, “Isn’t it obvious?” he looked at the older and gave a weak smile, “I meet him, Yuta.”

Yuta widened his eyes, “He come yesterday? I-I didn’t know that.”

Doyoung then looked confused. “You didn’t know?”

“Yeah, because he never comes so I thought he didn’t come again this year.” Yuta lowered his head, felt sorry. “That’s why I tell you to come.”

 _Oh, oh_. Doyoung picked up his trash - the empty bottles. “It’s fine, hyung. I’m not mad at you.”

Yuta then stood up and then stood in front of the younger. He patted the younger’s head and asked, “How are you doing?”

Doyoung shook his head, knowing he can’t really lie to Yuta, “Not good.”

Yuta gave a soft smile, “It’s going to be fine. Our Doyoung is strong.”

“What?” Doyoung let out a soft chuckle, “I’m not.”

“If I think you’re strong, then you’re strong!” Yuta firmly said, proud of himself. “Ah, go shower. You stink with alcohol.” he pushed the younger away and laughed when he saw Doyoung lose his balance and almost fell.

Doyoung glared at Yuta. “You just got laid, aren’t you?” he attacked for revenge.

Yuta blushed with the sudden accusation. “Shut up!”

“Got to hell!” Doyoung replied with a shout as he walked to his room.

...


	3. 003

That night, Doyoung slept with a heavy heart. He kept on thinking about his meeting with Taeyong. He didn’t understand and it felt hurt. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t what to chose. No, why should he even consider choosing in the first place?

Doyoung cried to sleep. Why was his suffering hasn’t ended yet?

...

The next day, Doyoung went to his work as a full-time model. His thoughts sank down the moment he focused on his work. It wasn’t like he would be seeing Taeyong any time anyway.

But oh, Doyoung was wrong. He went to the studio for his photograph and only to be introduced by the staffs there with Lee Taeyong as their new photographer - and that they will continue on working for the whole season.

Doyoung felt like the fate was playing with him. He couldn’t help but feel suffocate. _why_?

...

Doyoung was thankful though that Taeyong didn’t say anything and pretended that they never meet or so. They remained profession and the shoot ended well.

When Doyoung went to monitor, he received lots of compliment. Mainly because of Taeyong. He just gave a shy smile. Even when he got eye to eye with Taeyong, he quickly broke it and focused on other stuffs. 

“Whoa,” one of the staffs exclaimed. “The photos are so beautiful,” he commented. “Doyoung look twice more beautiful,”

“Yeah,” Doyoung replied, rather monotone. He stared at the monitor. The photos taken was indeed beautiful, and it was more beautiful than he ever saw ever since he modeling. _Indeed. Taeyong always took good photos_. He felt sudden sad as he remembered their past.

“Taeyong, you got a pretty good skill,” another staffs compliment. “I guess, its New York style. I heard you learn there?”

New York, it got Doyoung interest. He looked at Taeyong whist remained stoic. He was waiting for Taeyong’s answer. He can’t help but felt curious.

“Yeah, I learned there,” Taeyong answered. He looked at Doyoung. As both of them stared to each other, he tried to read the younger’s face for anything but failed. “I went there after high school.”

“Whoa... How’s life there?” someone else asked. 

“Doyoung-ah, change!” one of the staffs shouted for Doyoung to change into another costume. He then walked to the dressing room, leaving the conversation he can’t listen anymore.

“It was fun,” Taeyong replied but his eyes followed Doyoung until the younger disappeared from his sight. “But I regret a little,” he ended up, giving a sad smile.

...

After the tiring photoshoot ended, Doyoung quickly out from the studio to go home. 

“Doyoung!”

Doyoung stopped his track, no, he was forced to stop when his hand was caught by Taeyong who seemed to run after him. They were outside the studio, night had fallen and Doyoung was so so tired. He looked at Taeyong without saying anything.

Taeyong held Doyoung’s hand tightly, to never let go. He worried that the younger might run away. “There’s company dinner. Aren’t you coming?”

“I usually don’t go.”

“Really?” Taeyong asked. “You aren’t avoiding me, right?” he asked again.

“Whether I am or am not avoiding you, isn’t your business,” Doyoung answered. He looked down at his hand and said, “Move your hand and let me go home.”

“You’re avoiding me,” Taeyong concluded and Doyoung just rolled his eyes. “Look, let’s not be like this,” he pleaded.

“No, I’m the one who supposes to say that.” Doyoung scoffed. “Taeyong, let’s not be like this,” he tried to release himself from Taeyong’s grip.

Taeyong ignored Doyoung’s who tried to break free. He pulled the younger closer making the other startled. “I love you, Doyoung.”

Thump. Doyoung felt that again. He frowned and gritted his teeth. “And I don’t love you,” he said. “Now, let go of my hand, Lee.”

And thus, Taeyong obeyed and let it go. He watched sadly as Doyoung walked away. What should he do to make Doyoung his back?

...

Doyoung wasn’t sure how he went home but he was sure he was crying mess. He tried to open the door but it was so hard because he can’t focus on the pin number. It was blurry and it was getting hard as time goes. “Arghh...” he sniffed, tried to wipe his tears. 

The door was opened, Doyoung looked and it was Yuta who opened for him. 

“Doyoung?” Yuta was shocked to see his friend who was crying. “What-” he couldn’t finish his word when suddenly Doyoung attacked him with a hug. “H-hey,” he said softly as he patted. “Let’s go inside.”

...

Somehow they settle themselves in the living room, where both of them sat side by side on the couch. Doyoung was still hugging Yuta and Yuta didn’t know what to do. Although it wasn’t the first time, he still not sure what the right thing to do. In the end, he can only wait for the younger to stop crying.

“What’s wrong?” Yuta asked when Doyoung finally stopped crying. 

Doyoung wiped his remaining tears and looked down. He was debating to whether to tell what had happened or not. But since Yuta already seen the worse of him, he had no choice but, to be honest. “I met Taeyong at work. Apparently, we will be working on the same project.”

Yuta stared for a while to process the words. “Ohh...” he mumbled. “Sorry, I didn’t know about this. No one tells me,” he said, felt sorry yet again. Although he works as the director of the same company with Doyoung, he still wasn’t in charge of Doyoung’s project.

Doyoung sighed, “It’s fine.” things happen. “It just...”

“Just what?” Yuta asked, confused.

“He asked if we can get back together,” Doyoung said, in rather soft voice. “He said he still loves me,” he added, getting watery again because of its sting.

Yuta was speechless. “He- what?”

...


	4. 004

His conversation with Yuta ended up rather short with no conclusion - basically, it was mainly Yuta was getting angry at Taeyong. That night, he hasn't been able to sleep well. He ended up staring blankly most of the time which made him woke up pretty early. Doyoung walked out for a walk that morning after breakfast. He tried to think again. What really he wants? Why he still felt hurt? Why was he felt bothered by Taeyong?

When fatigue finally kicked, Doyoung found himself at an empty park. He sat at the nearest bench and then replied to Yuta’s text who was wondering where he went. Again, he stared blankly but this time his tears were streaming down his cheeks suddenly. He lowered his head and looked at the ground, continued on sobbing. Somehow he can’t seem to stop. Sadness filled inside him when old memories come back fresh in his mind. 

“Doyoung?”

Doyoung looked up, startled a bit because he didn’t realize someone was right in front of him. He stared with little blurry eyes but still can know who was that person. “Tae-taeyong?” he stuttered, choked in his tears.

“I-I didn’t think I would see you here,” Taeyong said nervously. He was walking his dog when he saw a very familiar person which he couldn’t ignore. “But why are you crying?” he asked, concerned.

Doyoung stared but still weeping mess. Instead of answering, he asked instead, “What do you think?”

Taeyong bit his lip. The answer was rather simple. “It’s me, right?” he said as he quickly tied his dog leash at the bench’s arm. He then squatted down in front of Doyoung and looked sadly at the younger. “I’m sorry,” he softly said, feeling so guilty. 

Hearing that it made Doyoung went crazily painful. His heart ached too much and it was so hard to handle that he continue on weeping even harder. “Go away,” he said, voice cracked a little as he tried to push the older away. “G-go away,” he repeated.

Taeyong knew he did wrong - that he had broken the younger. He regretted so much his decision for making the younger like this. “Please,” he begged. “Stop crying,” he felt so guilty. He never wanted to happen like this. He was so wrong.

“I don’t want either,” Doyoung covered his face with both of his hands, thinking of how badly he wanted to stop crying, to stop feeling hurt. “It’s so suffocating,” he said.

Taeyong watched sadly as the younger crying. He wanted to cry too but he knew he didn’t have the right to cry. Although his heart also ached, he held it. He really didn’t deserve this person. He moved his hand and put on the younger’s face, gently carelessly. “Doyoung please,” he said. “Please listen to what I’m about to say. It-its about our break up-”

“-no!” Doyoung suddenly shouted, pushed Taeyong’s hand away. Even with his eyes moist with tears, he glared. “I don’t want,” he said, “-to hear.”

“Doyoung please,” Taeyong begged. “Please listen, I beg you.”

“No!”

...

Taeyong cupped Doyoung’s face who already stopped shouting. He noticed Doyoung was staring blankly, his heart ached even more. 

Doyoung stared. It seemed like he stopped crying but he wasn’t sure. He can’t feel anything other than his heart painfully ached. “No,” he pleaded as he felt a touch he used to feel a long time ago - so familiar yet so foreign.

“Doyoung-ah,” Taeyong softly called, to grab the younger’s attention. Although Doyoung was staring blankly, he knew that the younger was listening to him. Doyoung was the kind one and he was the bad one.

“No, go away,” Doyoung’s voice cracked yet again. _Why? Why do you leave me?_

“Doyoung-ah,”

Doyoung can’t keep his calm when the older was calling out his name so softly and loving. It made him remembered back their past. The one he cherishes, the one he missed, and the one it hurt the most. 

“Doyoung-ah, please,”

 _Stop torturing me_. “Go away,” Doyoung felt so tired already. He looked at the older’s eyes. _Those eyes are staring at me so sadly. Why?_

Taeyong didn’t give up. He can’t. “Doyoung-ah,” he said again. “Please?” he sounded so desperate.

“-fine,” Doyoung then gave up.

...


	5. 005

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> their past - the break up

Doyoung met Taeyong when he first entered high school as a first year. They got to know each other because of Yuta who friends with Taeyong. It started with a crush and ended up having a mutual feeling.

Taeyong was his first love. Holding hands, cuddles, hugs, little kisses, small dates, sweet words, and those sweet promises were all Doyoung’s first time. He wasn’t sure how a relationship works but he felt his relationship was smooth. Oh, how wrong his naive thought was. 

Upon Taeyong’s graduation, Doyoung noticed the older was getting distance but he never said anything. His naive thought it was because of the stress of college entrance exam. So when the exams were finally over, he felt excited because it's been a long time since he met the older. Doyoung missed Taeyong so much. 

They had a date, a very simple like they used to do since they are still students. They sat at the right end of a cafe. Doyoung was being his talkative side and ramble about everything as he ate the dessert he had ordered. To which he had failed to notice the blank look Taeyong gave. 

“I think we should break up,” Taeyong said out of nowhere, coldness.

Doyoung froze. He didn’t expect that obviously. Slowing putting down the fork he had been holding, he faced the older with his eyes turned bigger in confusion. “Wh-what are you talking about?” he asked. “Wh-why?” thousand of thoughts, no maybe millions of thoughts flew inside his mind and making a big mess. It made him felt dizzy and he didn’t understand. _Why?_

“Upon graduation, I think a lot. Life is changing and I-” Taeyong tried to think a better word to express what he was trying to say. “-out relationship, I can’t sure I can commit to it.”

“I=I don’t understand,” Doyoung said. “Is it because there might be long distanc-” he stopped when suddenly something clicked inside his mind. “Where are you going for college?” he asked. 

“I’m sorry, Doyoung,” Taeyong apologized rather than answered. He bit his lip. He actually didn’t want to do this but he was confused and this is the best he could think off.

Doyoung tried to laugh it out. He tried to save their relationship. “I think we can work this out. I’m sure of it,” he said with bunch of other things that crossed his mind. Something, something might work to save them. “It can’t be that fair, it’s still in Korea, right?”

Taeyong didn’t answer. He looked away from Doyoung’s desperate eyes. He knew he can be weak with those pretty eyes. 

“Taeyong hyung, don’t do this to me,” Doyoung begged, he was starting to cry. “Answer me,”

“I’m sorry,”

“I love you,” Doyoung said, almost whispered. “Don’t you love me too?” he asked. “Don’t do this to me,”

“I-” Taeyong couldn’t say it. _I love you_. He still did love but why he felt like it might not work. Why that he felt they are going ended up hurting each other? No, it was nothing like that. Lee Taeyong was a coward. ”I’m sorry, Doyoung,” he said and stood up., leaving the younger behind. _I’m sorry my pretty bunny._

...

2 days ever since and when Doyoung tried to call the older, it only ended to voice mail. He stared at his phone as he sat on his bed. _Please pick up the call, hyung._

Just then, the door of his room suddenly swung opened and Yuta, his neighbor come without notice. “Yah, Doyoung!” he shouted. 

Doyoung looked up from his screen phone, a bit startled. He faced the other and said, “What?”

“I just met Ten. He said Taeyong already left to the US this morning. How come I didn’t know this?” Yuta said, wondering why nobody told him. As a friend, he felt slightly upset being out of radar. 

However, it was a big bomb for Doyoung. He felt like his heart stopped for a moment. He suddenly lost the grip of his phone and thus making the poor phone fell down on his soft bed. Shock. He was shocked by the sudden news. _US? He’s leaving Us?!_ His eyes then turned bigger the moment he started on realize the situation - that it was the reason why Taeyong didn’t answer his call, the reason for the broke up. 

“Doyoung?” Yuta walked closer toward the younger as the younger didn’t respond to him. Looking closer at Doyoung who clearing showed a shock expression, he had this uneasy feeling that the younger didn’t know about it. “H-hey, don’t tell me you didn’t know?” he softly asked. 

“Hy-hyung,” Doyoung looked up at Yuta who stood in front of him. He grabbed the older’s shirt and startled to breathe very fast. _I-I, why? Why? Why is this happening?_

Yuta panicked as he noticed how unwell the younger was. He softly patted the younger’s back, to calm Doyoung down. “Breath slowly, dons,” he said, worried.

...

Its been a week since Taeyong left just like that and Doyoung still have a hard time to accept. It made him thinks so many things and even remembered so many memories especially their promises - he can’t help but feel being cheated on. 

Doyoung knew he cried every day, almost every time when he felt sadness attacked him. It was a little painful to deal. He cried and then he stared blankly. He cried again and stared blankly yet again. And it cycled. He wasn’t sure how to deal with this feeling. It was his first time feeling this hurt. It was state of mess.

There was one time when he finally realized that Taeyong had left him astray, Doyoung took all his things that related to the older and threw. He burned everything as if he was washing his frustration but obviously, it didn’t stop there. He then cried as he glanced at one more box he hasn't burn. He couldn't those. He just couldn't.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks, Doyoung wondered. _Why? Why? Why?_ He repeated in his mind, hitting his chest to ease his pain because it hurt so much. He was weeping in sorrow.

 _No_! Doyoung shouted in his head. Every time Taeyong’s face appeared in his mind, it made the pain greater. It hurt but he can’t help to miss the older. _Hyung, where are you? I-I miss you_. He weeping even more on his bed, screaming internally. It was as if his soul was ripping apart. What did he do to deserve this kind of pain? What mistake that he made Taeyong left him, a breakup.

It took weeks for Doyoung to settle his feeling until he was immune (somehow) with the bad pain. It took a while for him to be back normal but he still hasn’t forgotten those. Doyoung can’t accept the breakup, making he can’t move on.

...


	6. 007

Taeyong was still squatted in front of Doyoung. Even though his legs were getting strained from it, he didn’t mind because he felt relieved the younger was giving him a chance to explain. There was no way he going to let go of this opportunity. He looked up, knowing Doyoung was waiting for him. “Listen,” he started. “You know how I love photography, right?”

Doyoung just weakly nodded. Yes, he did vaguely remember. When they were together, Taeyong would always carry his cheap camera. The older would take random photos - be it either him, the buildings, flowers, the streets, the sky or just random people. And Doyoung would always praise the older because he can’t deny how good the older took those photos - yes, just like that photoshoot.

And Taeyong continued on telling his story about back then. He thought we would continue to study in some university so he struggled on studying for the exams. However, he got news that he was offered a scholarship for a university in US due to he won a competition. He thought it was a good opportunity and it was his dream to be a photographer so he was excited. “I-I don’t want to leave you but I can’t abandon that offer either,” he said. 

“But you still chose that instead of me,” Doyoung then said after silently listened. His eyes were getting watery as he thought about it. It ached to think he was an option in the first place. 

“I did,”

“Why Taeyong?” Doyoung asked, sadly. “You don’t trust me enough for a good relationship, huh?” he looked away, “It doesn’t even matter if you still love me or not.”

Taeyong stood up. “It wasn’t that!” he tried to argue. _It isn’t like that._

“If you believe in me, If you did, then a long distance relationship is possible,” Doyoung said. “I-I can wait,” he said from the bottom of his heart that it was true. He was sure he can wait, no matter how long was it. He can because of love he had.

“I admit it was a mistake thinking like that but we were really young back then, Doyoung,” Taeyong said. “Because I know what a long relationship result of,” he added, eyes sadly looked at the younger. 

“Wh-”

“-my mother,” Taeyong closed his eyes, with a deep breathe he continued. “I saw how my mother live. She was dying internally because of my father. I feel like that could happen to us. I can’t let you wait for me for who knows how long,” he said, pouring what he had been dealing.

Doyoung knew, of course, he did. Taeyong’s parent didn’t stay together because of work. Taeyong lived with his mother and that his father was living overseas. Though he didn’t know the details, he knew how it ended up toward a divorce. Although he can understand these, he couldn’t accept it. _I’m not your mother, Taeyong._

“But living in US without you was indeed painful,” Taeyong confessed. “I miss you so much. I’m not lying.” he despised himself for saying that because it was unfair for the younger. Taeyong knew that yet he still said it. He was such a cruel man.

...

In the same at a different place, Yuta was monitoring the whole conference room as the staffs were busy discussing what theme for the upcoming magazine. Since he was the main editor, he only had to check thoroughly. 

“How come you didn’t me about this project?” Yuta said as he scanned through the files in front of him that he took. He turned to his side, waiting for Qian Kun to answer. 

Kun looked at Yuta in confused, “I didn’t tell you?”

Yuta rolled his eyes, “No, you don’t.”

Kun just gave a sheepish smile, feeling apologized. “I thought I already told you, sorry Yuta,” he then put his notebook. “But I thought we already finish discuss this last month?” he asked.

“When did you guys change the photographer?” Yuta asked. He frowned thinking if he already knew but didn’t realize. 

“That’s weird,” Kun mumbled but he just shrugged. “The first one bail out last minute so we had to quickly find a new one,” he explained. “Luckily I manage to get Lee Taeyong,” he added, remembered the hectic days he had.

Yuta nodded, finally remembered that they had to do some last minute change. _What a small world..._

“Anyway, a few days ago, I was quite surprised with his work. That Lee Taeyong took so many beautiful shots. We have a hard time to choose.” Kun said. “You should check out. Doyoung looks amazing.” he giggled in excitement - knowing full well the relationship between Yuta and Doyoung. 

“Oh?” Yuta raised his eyebrow. “But Doyoung always looks beautiful though,” he commented - not that he will ever say those in front of Doyoung. 

Kun rolled his eyes, scoffed. “I know he is your beloved little bro but please,” he said. 

Yuta just chuckled, “Alright, alright. Back to work.”

...

There was a moment of silence. No one talked and that both of them just staring toward each other. Doyoung was thinking and Taeyong was waiting. 

Taeyong thought he could wait but apparently, he did not. He was a greedy man indeed. Although he knew he should let Doyoung settled with his feeling of whatever, he thinks he needed to say something. “Doyoung, what should we do now?” he softly asked. “If I say I’m sorry for leaving, for making that stupid mistake, would you forgive me?”

Doyoung thought he sure he won’t forgive the older but right now he didn’t know. What made him feel this way? “I don’t know,” he answered. 

Taeyong cupped the younger’s face and was a little surprise that the younger didn’t shake him off. He softly smiled. _Maybe there was a little chance_. “I was stupid- no,” he stopped, trying to correct himself. “-I am still stupid even now, so I ask you, Doyoung,” he stopped to take a deep breath. “-to give me one more chance, will you forgive me?”

Doyoung lowered his sight. “I-I don’t know,” he replied. He really didn’t know if he can’t forgive the older or not. 

Taeyong let out a soft sigh. “Doyoung, can I ask you something?” he asked, letting go both of his hands from Doyoung’s face. 

“What?”

“Do you still love me?” Taeyong asked, genuinely curious. Because if Doyoung already lost interest in himself then he should give up for good. He shouldn’t really bother the younger anyone. 

And upon that question, Doyoung froze.

...


	7. 007

Doyoung never really gave a thought about it ever since Taeyong come back. He probably deep down tried to avoid as much as possible because it was scary. He looked at the older, looked and looked for answers. Because apparently, it was true, he still did. “I guess I do,” he painfully admitted. “I can’t believe this. Even after years, I still did love you,” he bitterly said. The heart can’t be easily changed. “B-but I don’t know. I don’t want to get hurt again.”

“I’m not going to hurt you,”

“The last time you say that it ends up you leaving me,” Doyoung replied. _Promises don’t work at me anymore._

It was a stab on Taeyong’s heart. Truth hurts. “I promise-”

“-don’t make a promise you can’t grant,” Doyoung said, stern. 

This was it. This was what Taeyong had done to the younger. He understood it pretty well and he obeyed. Once a trust was broke, it took millions of steps to mend. He had no choice but to follow because it was his fault in the first place. “I understand its hard to trust again but at least believe this,” he said. “That I never once stop loving you,” he added. 

Doyoung cried upon hearing that. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he didn’t get why. It was more shocking that he couldn’t help but to feel happy hearing such words.

Taeyong was startled by the look of Doyoung. He’s crying. Carefully, he wiped off the tears and said, “Don’t cry.”

“A second chance,” Taeyong repeated. “If we still can’t and then I gave up,” he said, grabbed the younger’s hand. “We are broken, let’s repair ourselves together,” he gave a little smile. “Doyoung, I want you.”

And Doyoung agreed.

...

Doyoung had told Yuta almost everything and he received a glare from the older who clearly disliked the idea. He could only plead the older to just accept this wild decision of him. Who knows it would work? Who knows he can start being okay?

“You gonna regret this, Doyoung,” Yuta said, reminded. 

Doyoung chuckled bitterly, “I feel like I’m going to regret either way.” whether he accepted it or rejected it, he felt like he going to regret it no matter what. Because Doyoung can’t forget, he can’t move on. And because he still loved.

...

It’s another working day for a working man, Kim Doyoung. It’s lunch hour thus the office was quite empty. He had asked Yuta for a lunch date but the older politely rejected his offer - he could hear someone else voice over the phone. _I bet he’s having a date._ And thus, Doyoung was currently resting at the company’s lounge, thinking what he was going to eat since he was getting it alone. _Fast food? Or sushi?_ He closed his eyes, thinking.

“Doyoung?”

Doyoung’s eyes shot open. He was greeted by Taeyong who stood in front of him. He blinked his eyes, confused for a second before remembering. Ah, he had forgotten that Taeyong worked in the same company.

Taeyong gave a smile and asked, “Have you eat yet, Doyoung?” 

His voice was soft and calming. Doyoung shook his head, being honest. 

Taeyong’s smile turned wider. He showed his a package of food toward the younger. “I kinda brought a bit too much,” he said. “Wanna eat together with me?” he asked, carefully, preparing himself to be rejected. 

Doyoung thought for awhile while looking at the food Taeyong showed. He gave small sigh and nodded his head. “You know I can’t reject free food,” he said, stood up.

Taeyong chuckled softly. “I prepared myself to be rejected by you,” he said. _I know doyoung. You never really changed since then_. He walked toward an empty table while the younger followed. He put the foods on the table as he waited for the younger to be seated. 

“Ah, sushi,” Doyoung exclaimed as he opened. Already took out the package, he forgot that what kind of situation both of them had. It feels too normal for him to even realize. 

Taeyong though however not. He watched as Doyoung casually acted in front of him. Still remembered the crying younger vividly in his mind, he just silently watched. He unconsciously smiled as he snapped the chopstick. Ah, he missed this feeling.

...

“Doyoung,” Taeyong said as they just finished eating in silent - no one talked. “Can I ask something?”

Doyoung took a sip of his drink. He nodded his head in responding. _What is it_? He can’t help but feel nervous. 

“I know we’re taking this slow but I honestly don’t how to do this,” Taeyong said. He wanted to take it slow but how? What do people do in this kind of situation? He just didn’t want to hurt Doyoung anymore. 

Doyoung bit his lip, playing with his fingers. He was nervous. “I-I don’t know either,” he said. 

“Then, can we like umm...” Taeyong was nervous. “... meet for dinner later or anything whenever you’re free?” he asked, hoping his offer was okay.

Doyoung stared, thinking. “Is that a date?”

“It is,”

Doyoung can’t help but feel scared. It’s been a while since the last date he had and of course, that last date was Taeyong. He felt anxious but he couldn’t help but feel that he too want this date to happen. “Okay,” he agreed.

Taeyong smiled, feeling happy. His nervousness didn’t disappear but he was delightful that Doyoung accepted his invitation. “When will you are free?” he asked, couldn’t help himself but to be a little greedy. “Wait- I- no- I mean,” he shuttered as he realized his greediness.

Doyoung chuckled softly at the older’s behaviour. He wasn’t the only one who feels nervous, he noticed that the older too bear the same feeling with him. “Not this week,” he answered softly, smile a little. “But next week, we can have that dinner,” he said. 

“It’s next week then,”

“Next week it is,”

Taeyong stood up - Doyoung’s eyes followed - and he took all the already empty package of food. He then said, “I won’t disappoint you, Doyoung.” I promise you that. He bid the younger’s goodbye. He then turned around and ready to walk away. 

“Please do that or I might really fall out love this time,” Doyoung mumbled alone.


	8. 008

It’s been a week since then. Doyoung was super busy with the modeling job that he had forgotten about the promise date. It was Monday evening when he suddenly got a message from the older - considering they never once text each other since - saying about their date. That Taeyong would pick him up after work had done. “Ah, the date,” he let out a sigh upon his late realization. _What should I wear_? And he turned into a panic mode.

Doyoung quickly opened his closet to find any suitable outfit to wear but his eyes just drop toward something that made him remembered his bad memories. He slammed down on the floor, stared at the box. He couldn’t help himself but break down in front of it. 

...

It’s 8 o’clock in the evening. Taeyong had already arrived in front of Doyoung’s house. He then parked his car but he couldn’t see the younger wait for him. Thus, he took out his phone and messaged the younger. 

     **Hey, I’m in front of your house. Are you done? I want to greet you by the door but I’m bit scared seeing Yuta. I don’t want to make trouble.**

Taeyong looked at the mirror and tried to make himself presentable. He then checked his breath, he checked his body smell, and also glanced at the back seat to see a flower he got for the younger. He smiled in satisfaction when he felt everything was perfectly ready. He, however, was still nervous. Its been a while since he had a date (he didn’t lie) and it made him more nervous than ever because he knew he shouldn’t flunk on this date. This date was special. He had to make it work and there was no way he would disappoint Doyoung anymore. 

     **Sorry, but I’m almost ready. Can you wait for a little bit?**

Taeyong read the message he got from the younger. He quickly replied that he didn’t mind of waiting. After roughly about 20 minutes or so, he heard a knock by the car’s window and noticed Doyoung had already arrived. Panicked a little but he quickly unlocked the lock and watched Doyoung made his way inside. _Ah, I should have wait outside and open the door for him. Stupid me._

Silent quickly filled in the car, the mood felt a little heavy. Taeyong turned to look at the younger who haven’t say a word since he entered. The younger was just staring in front and refused to look at him. He bit his lip, wondered. _Did-did I do something wrong_? He couldn’t recall any. “Hey,” he braves himself up to say something. 

Doyoung’s fingers nervously moved. He was still refused to look at the older but he still responded. “Hey,” in such a low voice. 

“Is there something wrong?” Taeyong asked but Doyoung shook his head. He didn’t understand so he asked again, “Then why aren’t you looking at me?”

Doyoung bit his lip. He wanted to respond but felt like crying again. Should he just be honest? 

Doyoung didn’t answer. Taeyong waited for a little while before he asked again, “Doyoung, I promise to make you happy this time. I promise to make this work. If there’s something wrong, would you mind telling me?” _if you didn’t tell me then I don’t know what is wrong and I don’t want to stupid again._

Doyoung still staring outside but this time he made a decision to talk. He took a deep breath, mentally reminded himself to not cry. “I was getting ready,” he began. “Looking for an outfit to wear for tonight, I opened my closet but Taeyong,” he stopped remember a bit of what had happened when he was getting ready. He closed his eyes. _Don’t cry. Don’t cry._

Taeyong listened. Taeyong watched. He bit his lip and thought. _Doyoung is having a hard time again_. It was his fault, he knew it. Because what else?

“I saw an old box,” Doyoung continued on. He opened his eyes which seemed to be moist already. He slowly turned and looked at the older. They were seeing eye to eye, stared into each other. “A box of stuff from high school that I didn’t manage to throw away,” he said. “A box full of us,”

“Doyoung-”

“-I broke down,” Doyoung cut off, not giving Taeyong to say anything. “I cry because I remember all those memories we had once had,” he said, finally a tear fell down. He cried.

...

This wasn’t how their date was supposed to start. This wasn’t what Taeyong imagine. Their date hadn’t even started yet but it might end before it even starts. Taeyong felt like he needed to do something, to save this date and the most important thing, he just wanted to make Doyoung felt comfortable. If Doyoung wasn’t having a very hard time if Doyoung didn’t want to continue on with this date, why would he force the younger, right? He was greedy but he is not that greedy enough to notice those little things. “I want to say I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s enough to cure your pain,” he said. 

“No, it doesn’t,” Doyoung bluntly answered.

“Yeah, thought so,” Taeyong cleared his throat - didn’t expect such an answer but he couldn’t help himself to remember that this is Doyoung’s personality. That the younger had a sharp way of talking. 

Doyoung then asked, “Then how am I suppose to cure this pain?” 

Taeyong couldn’t give the right answer and it frustrated himself. The air conditional was breezing and it was getting colder. His hands moved toward the steering, grabbed it nervously. He looked in front, at the street, thinking how the car had never left the area ever since he had parked. He asked a question instead. “Do you still want to date me?”

Doyoung stared at the older. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed without saying anything. He watched and watched until he noticed Taeyong was showing a little hint of nervousness. “Are you giving up?” he asked.

“No,”

“Then?”

“I feel like if I’m forcing you then, I feel like we shouldn’t do this,” Taeyong turned to see Doyoung who was looking at him. His hands off from the steering, now down on his lap. 

“You didn’t force me. This is my choice.” Doyoung answered. He took a deep breath before saying, “I still love you.” It’s not a lie, he didn’t think he should hide it anymore.

Taeyong felt his heart flutter a little (maybe a bit more) when he heard Doyoung said it. He understood that the younger was feeling uneasy and confused - he did feel the same. ”Doyoung, I know you can’t trust me yet but I promise to make this work, really,” he said, determined. 

“I’m scared,”

“Doyoungie,”

Doyoung blinked his eyes and then chuckled softly, “It’s kind of weird to hear you saying my name like that. It’s been awhile.” He suddenly felt ease. One minute he felt anxious and scared, the next minute he felt like nothing and ease. How come?

It was Taeyong’s turn to blink his eyes then. It was out of little habit, he thought. “Do you hate it?” he asked with a lower voice, scared if he hurt the younger.

“Not really,” Doyoung shook his head. He wasn’t exactly sure whether he liked it or not. But for now, he didn’t mind.

“Then, can I continue on calling you like that?”

Doyoung hesitated at first but he agreed anyway since he didn’t mind. “It’s fine, I guess?”

Taeyong’s lip curved upward. His lip formed a smile, feeling the little happiness bloomed inside him. “I understand what you’re feeling but please, even a little, put a trust on me,” he said. _I won’t fuck up this time, not again._

Building trust was never easy, it was hard. But since he wanted to do this, he had to make a little effort, right? Doyoung nodded his head, accepted the older offer. He still scared but he will bear this. 

Doyoung couldn’t help but wonder if they hadn’t breakup back then, would they still be together now? Honestly, he could never know the truth because the future had many possibilities. Sad or happy, he hoped he chose the right one this time.


	9. 009

“Let’s go for our dinner. I don’t want to starve you,” Taeyong said, making the younger snapped from his thoughts. “And here,” Taeyong then said, hands were busy taking something from the back seat - Doyoung was curious. “This is for you,” he said, gave the flower he had prepared. 

Doyoung took the flower gladly. He recognized the flower. “A daffodil?” he raised his eyebrow, confused.

Taeyong then grinned, scratched his neck nervously. “I feel like giving you a rose might a bit too much,” he said. 

There were ten seconds of silence before Doyoung burst out laughing. “Awkward,” he mumbled. 

“In my defense, I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Taeyong started on explaining. “I was really having a hard time choosing okay?” he unconsciously pouted.

Doyoung gave a small smile. “Thank you,” he softly thanked. 

Taeyong just grinned as he watched Doyoung was admiring the daffodil. _He looks so cute. Man, I should just give a bouquet instead._

...

Taeyong drove and they arrived at street Hongdae. He parked his car and both of them come out from it. 

“Where are we eating?” Doyoung asked. He left the flower in the car and closed the door. He faced Taeyong who already stood right beside him.

Taeyong nervously smiled, “Actually I haven’t decided yet.”

“You don’t?” Doyoung raised his eyebrow.

“Well, it’s hasn’t been that long since I come back from states so I haven’t been familiar with good spots here. And I don’t know what kind of food you like to eat,” Taeyong quickly made an excuse. It was true though. Things had changed so much that he hardly felt like home. He did search for a good restaurant but he wasn’t sure if the younger would like it. “I’m not sure if it's still the same like before,”

“Nothing change,”

“You still hate cucumber?”

“I still hate them,”

Taeyong chuckled. _Yeah, still the same doyoungie_. “How about BBQ?” he asked. “I know you like meat,” he added. 

“Everyone loves meat, Taeyong,” Doyoung said as if it was a matter of fact. But he nodded his head agreed anyway. “Are you going to pay for everything?” he eyed the older for confirmation. 

“Of course,” Taeyong chuckled. “I’m the one that asks for this dinner,” he said.

“Meat it is then,” Doyoung said, clapped his hands, excited. “I know a good place here,” he said happily. 

Taeyong couldn’t help but smiled as he watched Doyoung suddenly turn into a bundle of happiness. “Lead the way, princess,” he said, tone like a knight in a drama. 

Doyoung glared, “Don’t call me that.”

Taeyong chuckled, “Fine, Doyoungie.”

...

Doyoung was busy grilling the meat and although Taeyong also helped, Taeyong couldn’t help but stared at the younger for most of the time. The eyes, those eyes - he was mesmerized with the younger’s eyes for most of the time. “Your eyes are pretty,” he unconsciously said. 

Doyoung stopped of what he was doing. He looked up and faced the older. He blinked his eyes, thinking that he might hear it wrong. But no, he was sure of it. Taeyong did say it. 

Taeyong saw Doyoung was looking at him in confusion. He blinked his eyes before he realized his little mistake. He let out a dry chuckle, “I say it out loud, huh?” shit.

Doyoung awkwardly nodded his head, eyes looked back down at the grill. “Y-yeah,” he mumbled. _I didn’t hear it wrong._

Taeyong put down the tong. “This is a bit awkward,” he mumbled. They were going smoothly for sure but that doesn’t mean their relationship was getting better. They were still in the middle of patching things up and obviously the things that were supposed to be normal were a little awkward for them. “Sorry,” he apologized. 

“It’s fine,”

“However, I am being honest,” Taeyong sincerely said. “Your eyes are pretty, just like I always love,” he just can’t lie. 

Doyoung also put down the tong he was holding. He looked back at the older as he said, “Always, huh?”

“Doyoung-”

“You always said that,” Doyoung then took his chopsticks. “I remember that,” he then playfully touching the meat. 

“Yeah,” Taeyong agreed weakly. “I did say that,”

Doyoung gave a smile, most likely a fake. “Let’s eat,” he then said, opened his mouth and ate the already cooked meat. 

Both started on eating but it was a silent dinner.

...


	10. 010

After dinner, they both headed to the car, already sat in the car. Taeyong was wondering if the date was over because dinner wasn’t really good - dinner was... silent. He wanted the date to be longer, he wanted to stay by the younger side. The sound of the car’s engine was loud considering that both didn’t speak. Taeyong nervously tapping his fingers on the steering as he glanced at the younger - Doyoung was looking at his phone and the flower was seen nicely on the younger’s lap. He gulped, cleared his throat. “Dinner was fine, right?” he suddenly said. _Lame, taeyong, lame._

Doyoung looked up, putting down his phone simultaneously as he listened to the older. He nodded his head, looking at the older. “Yeah, meats are delicious as always,” he said, stating the obvious fact.

They both unknowingly caught on a staring competition somehow. Taeyong didn’t know how long it last but he felt as if time had stopped - clique like they say - because they were staring so long that his eyes twitched a bit. “Ca-can we talk more before we go home?” he asked, deciding, to be honest, would be the best choice. 

Doyoung could feel his heart was beating faster. He wasn’t fluttering, he was anxious. “Sure,” he said.

“I didn’t know you would be modeling,” Taeyong started off, leaned against the seat, relaxed. Paying hundred percent attention to the younger, he then asked, “Since when you take interest in modeling?” he was curious. 

“Oh,” Doyoung’s fingers were playing with the daffodil - to make him felt ease. “I never had any dream job,” he said. “Yuta scout me somehow I did this job,” he said, remembering how Yuta was being persistent.

“You’re good in modeling,” _you look so pretty._

“I invest a lot of time practicing,” Doyoung replied. “By doing that, I can forget about you,” he then said.

Another moment of silence. 

Taeyong gave the younger a small smile. It was definitely harder than he thought it would be. He knew it was going to be hard. He was prepared. But it was his fault, he couldn’t help to feel guilty. “Do you hate me?” he asked after thinking. “If it’s really hard, you don’t have to do this,” he then said. 

“I hate you,” Doyoung answered. “I hate you so much for leaving me,” he added. “When you come back, I feel like my world in a mess and I hate you for that,” he said, then let out a soft sigh. “But you’re right,” he stopped and took a closer look at the older. “Maybe I’m still waiting for you after all this time,” 

“Doyoung-ah,”

“Taeyong, have you ever stop loving me?”

“Never,” Taeyong answered. “I never did,” he added.

“Why?” Doyoung asked. His eyes were getting teary. He had been longing to ask this. 

“I don’t know why,” Taeyong answered. “Ever since I left, I did try to forget you but I can’t,” he said, watching Doyoung smiled bitterly. “I miss you so much. I miss you daily,”

“You didn’t meet anyone there?” Doyoung asked curiously. His hands were sweating a little because he was nervous to hear the answer. He was afraid but he wanted to know. 

“You mean, dating?” Taeyong asked to be sure. _Why are you asking me knowing it might hurt you, my bunny_? He noticed the younger was nodding his head so he answered, “No, I didn’t.” he gave a small smile. “My heart still has you, I just can’t anyone else.”

“Sweet words, don’t work on me,” Doyoung mumbled however deep inside him, he felt a little happy. He tried to hide it, not showing any reaction that he liked it - that he liked what he heard. He remembered something, he wanted to ask. “Then,” he stopped, not sure whether to say it or not. He hesitated. He was unsure.

“Then what?” Taeyong softly asked. 

Doyoung was a little restless but he still asked. “Then, why didn’t you come back to me?” a tear suddenly fell down on his cheek. He felt ached in his heart. “You say you still love me,” he said but it was too soft.

“I-I was a coward.” Taeyong lowered his head as he said. “I want to see you so badly but,” he frowned, feel like crying but he prevented himself from it. He can’t cry. He didn’t deserve to cry - he repeated in his mind. “It’s because I don’t have the confidence in the long-distance relationship.”

“Why?” Doyoung asked he wanted to understand. “Is it me?” he wondered.

Taeyong immediately shook his head. “No!” he denied strongly. “It isn’t you but it’s me. I’m the problem here,”

“I don’t understand,” Doyoung said. “Please explain,”

“The reason why I chose to left,” Taeyong felt there was a lump in his throat. It was hard to say but Doyoung wanted to know. Doyoung deserved to know. He had to say it. 

“Your mother?”

Taeyong took a deep breath. “I hate my father for leaving my mother. She was so helpless and I can’t even help her to feel better,” he said, remembering his past during high school. Although his mother was getting better, she was still broken.

“Oh, Taeyong,” Doyoung moved a little bit closer. The car put a define distance between them but he still tried to move closer. It was because he remembered. He remembered how hard Taeyong had to deal with his family matter - he was there when it happen. Putting their questionable relationship status, for now, he tried to calm the older.

Doyoung was kind. Taeyong felt the younger’s warmness. He chuckled bitterly as why he hurt the younger back then. As expected he was his father’s son after all. “I hate my father,” he said, suddenly broke down in tears. Thinking about his family had always been hard for him. “I hate him so much but I realize I’m still his son after all,” he said, tried to make himself to stop crying. “I might be like him and hurt you,” he said, choked with his tears. _and I did hurt you_

It was Doyoung’s turn to cry. Somehow he can feel the sadness Taeyong had. His eyes were red and moistly. “Tae-”

“-I am a coward, Doyoung,” Taeyong cut off Doyoung before the younger can say anything. “I’m a coward!” he shouted, expressing his inner feeling he had locked for so long.

Doyoung didn’t know what to do. He watched as Taeyong cried. I didn’t know you’re hurting too. He awkwardly patted the older shoulder, having his thought about his situation and their situation. We are a broken mess.

About five minutes so, Taeyong had stopped from crying. Though there were still tears left, he just ignored all of those. He looked at the younger and stared at the most beautiful person he had ever encounter. “Doyoung, I won’t ask for forgiveness and you don’t have to force your self either. It’s okay to blame me because it is my fault, to begin with,” he said.

Doyoung nodded his head. “I don’t know what to do yet but I can tell one thing. You are you and your father is your father. Both of you are a different person. Stop believing those things,” he said. 

“You’re kind,”

“I’m not,” Doyoung suddenly feel shy. “There was never such thing a perfect relationship, I realize that long ago. And I don’t think, if we stay together back then, things might be any different either. There’s a lot of possibilities. We might hurt each other, who knows.” he said. 

Taeyong nodded his head, understanding what the younger had said. “However, I'm seriously asking this,” he said with a serious tone. “Are you really sure on what we are doing?” he asked. “Are you sure on giving me a second chance?” he asked again. 

Doyoung bit his lip. He thought carefully. What should be said?

“We can stop before it’s getting deeper,” Taeyong added. It might be the best but he also didn’t know. What is right? What is wrong?

 _Stop_? Doyoung blinked his eyes. His heart clenching again. _It ached. It felt hurt. No, no, no, no, no._ Doyoung was shaking. _No, don’t leave me again_! He burst out, crying for real.

“Do-doyoung?” Taeyong was shocked. He panicked. He moved closer toward the younger where it hardly any space between them. “He-hey,” he softly called out. 

Doyoung was crying. He even hiccuped. He was crying too much and was wailing a little like a little kid. He roughly tried to wipe his tears. He rubbed his eyes but the tears won’t stop from coming out. _Shit, shit, shit, shit,_

“Doyoungie,” Taeyong put his hangs on DOyoung’s cheeks. He tried to calm the younger down, wiping the tears. “Wh-why are you suddenly crying?” he softly asked, feeling crying too. He was worried if he did anything wrong. 

“Hy-hyung.” Doyoung choked on his sobs. 

Taeyong’s movement halted. His heart softened as he heard the younger called him as hyung. He hasn’t heard the younger called him that ever since they met again. It's been a long time. It felt nice. “Y-yes?” he answered nervously.

Doyoung’s hands moved toward the older. He then grabbed the older’s shirt, grabbed it tightly while still sobbing. It was as if he didn’t want the older to disappear from him again. He needed to hold the older tightly. _Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go_ \- he mind felt rumbling with thoughts. But something shined brightly, he saw that. He just finally understand something. He finally knew what he really wants. He knew what he desired. He knew why he still loves the person in front of him even though he hated the older so much. “Do-don’t go,” he mumbled between his sobs.


	11. 011

“Do-don’t go,”

Though it was so soft, Taeyong could hear what Doyoung was trying to say. He formed a smile, trying to give the brightest smile he could make for the younger. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

“Don’t leave me,”

“I won’t leave you,”

“I-I don’t want to be alone again,” Doyoung burst out crying yet again. 

It broke his heart, but Taeyong already promises himself that he will make up the lost gap between them. These past years he had gone, he would give much happiness to the younger. He will protect Doyoung from now, till forever. “I won’t leave you alone,” he answered. 

Doyoung blinked his eyes, trying to see the older clearly because his sight was blurry. “Pro-promise?” he asked, making his grip more tightly as if his life depended on it. 

Taeyong nodded his head, gave the softest smile ever. “Promise.”

“I want you,” Doyoung closed his eyes with his trembling lips. His heart felt a little light by their conversation. Love is really weird. Even though he had been so hurt and that no matter how painful it was, he still want that person.

“You can have all of me, Doyoung,” Taeyong said, moving his hand to the back of the younger’s head - softly patted. He moved his face beside the younger’s face making the younger’s head rested on his shoulder. “All of me,” he whispered. 

Doyoung really feels in ease. It was as if the pains that were buried in his heart disappeared little by little. He was still broken without the doubt but he was getting better - he can felt that. It didn’t feel suffocating like anyways anymore at least. “Hyung,”

Taeyong couldn’t fight his urge - the needs of Doyoung’s touch. He felt he was getting accept by the younger. “Doyoungie,” he said. Oh, how he missed the younger so much. 

Taeyong moved much closer and grabbed the younger closer toward him. He hugged Doyoung after he was sure the younger wouldn’t push him away. There, they stayed in the position for a long time to release their feeling of how much they missed each other. That both of them had longing the touch. 

Doyoung was a sobbing mess. When he felt the older was trying to hug him, he didn’t hesitate. He let himself being controlled by the older. He let his head resting on the older’s shoulder and moved his hands that were gripping the shirt moved to the back of the older’s back. He also hugged the older while continued on crying. _I miss this. I miss you_. 

...

When both of them finally calm down, Taeyong droved Doyoung back home. It was tiring day, they needed some rest. They talked a little more before Doyoung finally went inside. Their little day was over. Taeyong felt his shoulder lighter a little - as if the pressure he had was gone. The date was a roller coaster emotional trip for both of them but it worth any of it. 

They were starting to change. It was better than never.

...

Taeyong promised himself to be a better person for the younger - Doyoung didn’t deserve those hurts he had. For that, he made a lot of effort. He didn’t know how to do it at first but he started off by being simple - per Johnny’s suggestion (his friend). He started off by sending text in the morning.

     **Good morning little bunny**

And also sent when the night comes. When Taeyong felt the younger on the way to sleep. 

     **Good night, Doyoungie. Sweet dream.**

Taeyong did it every day. At first, the younger didn’t react to it. He understood, it was probably felt weird but slowly, the younger was used to it. It made him happy when Doyoung started to reply to him. It made his days much better. 

Taeyong asked everyone he knew - his friends, his family - on things that he can do to make Doyoung happy. There were a lot of suggestions and he welcomed it all. He added on his daily list to give a small gift to Doyoung. He knew it would make the younger happy.

Doyoung smiled a lot these days. Taeyong never failed to notice that. 

“You gave me a lot of things,” Doyoung said when they met for a short lunch date. 

Taeyong nodded his head, “I did. Do you hate it?” he could stop if the younger hated it. 

Doyoung shook his head, “well, not really.”

“I’m sorry. I can stop if you dislike it,”

“No, it’s fine. I love those flowers you gave me.”

Taeyong smiled, feeling happy that the younger liked it. “I’m glad.”

“But not the zombie survival guidebook,” Doyoung said. “What kind of shit is that anyway?”Doyoung asked, not understanding why he received it.

“It’s full of tips and tricks for survival from a zombie apocalypse. It’s very useful” Taeyong explained, excited. 

“Seriously hyung?” Doyoung disbelieved. “A zombie apocalypse?”

“You never knew when they will attack us,” Taeyong said seriously.

Doyoung shook his head but laughter comes out from his mouth. “This is crazy,” he said, continued on laughing as he watched the older explaining about the zombie in serious mode. He was happy because they felt normal together.

...

“I can never understand this,”

Doyoung just gave a smile. “Neither do I but I love him, Yuta. I love him,” he said. 

Yuta poured milk into his mug. He then sat on the chair at the dining room across Doyoung. “Of course you do, Doyoung.” he said. “You never stop, you just didn’t realize that,”

“But I hate him this entire time,”

“Doyoung just like how there’s light in the darkness. There’s love within hate. You can never hate someone if you never care,” Yuta said.

“I, I never knew that,”

“You just too blind with hate that’s all,”

“Why you never said to me all of these?”

“I did,” Yuta answered. “But you never notice,” he let out a soft sigh.


	12. 012

It was their second date. Taeyong invited Doyoung for a date at Han river - just them walking watching the night view. Doyoung agreed because he had nothing to do and more importantly he just wanted to be the older. 

“Why are you wearing such a thin outfit?” Taeyong said, frowned as he watched Doyoung from head to toe. 

Doyoung pouted as he was just being lectured the moment he arrived at their promised meet up. He looked at his own outfit and then looked up back at the older. “It’s not that thin,” he said - wearing black jeans with layers of sweaters. 

“You’re gonna get cold,” Taeyong commented. “It’s chilly here during the night,” he argued and Doyoung tried to protest again. “That’s it,” he said, stopping the younger to argue. He went to his car at the back seat and took out a padding. 

“Why are you taking that out?” Doyoung said as he watched the older walking toward him with jacket padding in his hand.

Taeyong smirked. “I’m giving this for you to wear it,” he said. 

“I’m not wearing it,” Doyoung said, firmed. Determined with his choice - that he won’t get cold. 

Taeyong sighed as he watched the younger being stubborn. “Alright,” he gave up. However, instead of putting back the padding in the car, he chose to carry it instead. It was because he knew, he just knew, Doyoung might complain that he’s cold later. 

“Come on,” Doyoung said in his whiny voice. He grabbed the younger’s arm and slide his arm in. He linked his arm with the older and started on their night date. 

Taeyong gave a fond smile as he watched how adorable Doyoung was. “Let’s go,” he said. 

...

As expected for Han river that even if already late night, there were still many people hanging around. Taeyong and Doyoung walked along the path while sightseeing the night view of the Han river even though they already used to it. They talked. They joked. They even teasing each other. 

“Hyung,”

“What?”

Doyoung pouted as he said, “It’s cold.”

Taeyong snorted, “What did I tell you?” he then immediately gave the padding he been holding to the younger. 

Doyoung took it. “I didn’t know it will be this cold,” he said, whined. He started on wearing the padding while the older helping him at the same time.

Taeyong then pinched the younger’s cheeks as he chuckled - Doyoung whiled in pain. “I know, kid,” he said. “You’re the type that always feels cold,” he added. “Besides we are walking beside the river, of course, it will be freezing,” he then let go of the younger’s cheeks. 

Doyoung rubbed his eyes. “I don’t always feel cold,” he tried to argue.

“Yes, you do,”

“I’m not,”

“Are we going to fight about this?” Taeyong chuckled. He then pulled the younger closer toward him and gave a hug. 

Doyoung hugged back, stayed in that position for the longest time ever. It felt warm. “Taeyong hyung,” he suddenly said, while resting his head on the older’s shoulder. 

“Yeah?”

“I still don’t understand what are we?”

A pause. Taeyong was thinking of something as he hummed - Doyoung waited. “I don’t know,” he then said. “Are we in a relationship?” he asked. 

“We did dates,” Doyoung replied. “You gave me lots of presents,” he added. “I love those little presents,” he said, feeling thankful.

Taeyong smiled. “Are you still hurting, Doyoung?” he asked softly. Honestly scared for what the younger might answered. 

“I,” Doyoung stopped, trying to think for a better word to express himself. “I feel lighter than I ever felt these past years,” he answered. “I’m not sure if I’m still hurting and it’s still scary but I really can’t live without you,” he confessed. 

Taeyong pulled himself out, making a space between them. He took a look at the younger’s eyes. He smiled. “Then, if I’m asking you for us to be official for real, would you accept?” he asked. 

Doyoung looked into the older’s eyes. He gave a thought. He remembered their school days. He remembered their happy childlike love story. He remembered the awful break-up. He remembered where he was left alone. The painful experiences. He remembered when they first met again. Another painful phase. He gave a lot of thoughts back then, making the conclusion that he still loved the older after all of that. “I would,” he answered. “And if it still not working then I give up for real,” he added.

“We will make this work,” Taeyong said. “I promise you that,”

“Don’t make promises,” Doyoung then said, looking sad. “Promises are scary,” he told. 

Taeyong planted a kiss on the younger forehead making the younger flinched in surprise but soften eventually. “I’m sorry I make you think that,” he said. “This time we will make it for real,” he added. 

“Alright,” Doyoung nodded, gave a smile. He felt lighter hearing that. 

“Doyoung-ah,”

“Yes?”

“If I kiss you right now, would you push me away?”

A pause. _Huh_? Doyoung then giggled as he understood what the older was asking. It took him by surprise. He really couldn’t hide his smile. “You’re being polite, hyung,” he commented, hands still holding the older’s waist.

“I have to ask,” Taeyong said, chuckled. “I have the feeling you will push me,” he faked being sad. 

Doyoung rolled his eyes and said, “I’m not that evil.”

“So, will you let me kiss you or not?”Taeyong whined then.

“Kiss me already,” Doyoung said as he then closed his eyes with a smile on his face. 

Taeyong smiled as soon as he watched the younger closed his eyes. He moved closer, closing his eyes too and touched his lip on the younger’s lip. His hands traveled from Doyoung’s waist up to the younger’s face as he cupped for a deeper kiss. This desperation he had, he poured into. It was lovely, he missed kissing Doyoung. It had been so long but the feeling was there as if it was never left. 

Doyoung felt like he was being devoured but he didn’t dislike it. This was it. He felt it. He felt how even with just a kiss, he could tell how the older was meant for him. They were perfect for each other, Doyoung felt that. Of course, there was no such thing as a perfect relationship. There were a lot of failures before they managed to get that title. The older was right, they were too young back then - only high school students where they first met. It was a bittersweet experience. He wouldn’t lie that he says he will forget it because he can’t but he will take it as a lesson. There was a lot of things he needed to learn and consider. he will take it, learn it and apply it. 

Doyoung loves Taeyong. It's bittersweet but for now, he wants the older than anything most

...

**Author's Note:**

> comments are welcome :)
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/writethedust)


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